I just told a friend I didn’t want to do our morning gratitude calls. They weren’t going very well for me. After the last few mornings I got off the phone and spent not minutes but hours staring into the abyss feeling horrible about myself. I wasn’t feeling happy which is how sharing a gratitude or a goal list should make you feel. I was feeling crushed, sad, and angry. Why you might ask? Sometimes your closest friends are not your allies. That doesn’t mean they are not good people, it just means they don’t get you. What I am grateful for, what I share about, or the words I use to comment with this one particular person has always been up for discussion and not in a very kind way. After a week of trying to get up the nerve to stop this insanity, I did it. I picked up the phone and made that call after staring into the abyss on another morning with a hole in the pit of my stomach that just ached. Realizing that he couldn’t be having much fun with these calls either. I thought I knew what I would say. How I would apologize, how I would skillfully tell him “you are my friend, I love you but I can’t take the abuse anymore, I feel abused” Nope I didn’t say that. I chickened out and just said “I want to take a break from our morning calls they are not working for me all that well” and he said “Oh okay” and hung up. I didn’t feel better after this call in fact I tried to call another friend but she didn’t answer. I am glad she didn’t answer. This is me. This is my triumph. I stopped trying to fix someone else and just stopped the insanity. What I said was perfect. I do need a break. I need take my life back. I need to not constantly trade attention and love for ridicule. Yep you can treat me like crap as long as I get some attention because somewhere along the line I learned that that was love. It’s not love. It’s not friendship. Friendship is saying I need a break. This isn’t going well and I need to step back. I stepped back. I in this moment as I write this I do feel better. I feel not really empowered but I feel safe. I feel loved by me. I feel protected and I feel like I can have a good day now. Why? because I stood up for myself without squashing someone else. He didn’t need to know why I needed a break. He didn’t need to know that I blamed him or my reaction to him. He just needed to know that I needed a break. I can’t change anyone. I can only change myself. Hurting someone’s feelings in order to feel better doesn’t really make you feel better but treating someone as you would like to be treated feels great. I told him my truth without crushing him. I was kind. I was gentle. I voiced my needs and left it at that.
I don’t like change. At least when the process of change starts, I think “oh no”. Most of the time the change turns out to be a good thing. I do get that uncomfortable feeling of worry and fear when I am approached with a change. Recently my insurance called to say ” We are no longer contracting with this doctor”. Now this is a doctor that grew on me over time. I didn’t really like him in the beginning. I kept trying to find another doctor. Eventually we came to a meeting of the minds and I began to trust him. And as things sometimes go, now I have to get to know a new doctor. Getting all my records to his office, explaining my needs to his staff, trudging through paperwork and phone calls, not my most favorite things. Along the way I met a wonderful nurse who is very proactive and on the ball. She is smart, thinks outside the box and is a joy. Some of the office staff is coming around. At first they were overwhelmed by the influx of new patients but I find that being a patient patient ( get what I did there) makes things easy on everyone. I have yet to see the new doctor. I am a bit nervous but from what I can understand he seems to be a good hearted human being, which is what you want in a doctor.
This all started with change being inevitable. Yes it is! Although after years on this earth, I still get that slight ache in the pit of my stomach, I know there is nothing to fret about. I am sure for how ever long I have left on this earth change will happen more often than not. It is better to embrace it than fight it. So I am clicking my heels once again and saying “There is no place like change”.
Have a beautiful day! The leaves are changing right now! Enjoy!
I tossed and turn most of the night. Thoughts roamed in my head on and off. Dreams woke me up and it took a few minutes to understand it was a dream. Just one of those nights which was precluded by one of those seemingly normal days.
I do feel rested in spite of the tossing and turning. I got out of bed at 5am and started my day. It is now 7:30am. That’s how long it takes for me to rise this twisted body. I won’t dwell on that though because it bores me. The state of my physical body bores me, disappoints me, scares me and does nothing to help my state of mind or affairs (finances). I trudge through the rain, sleet and snow of life. When it rains, I do my best to see how pretty the raindrops fall. When it is sleeting, I try to smile that I can still feel the sting of pain as the icy rain hits my cheeks. When it snows, it is the easiest because who doesn’t love snow. Don’t get me started on the beauty of snowflakes. I love snowflakes so pretty, unitque and individual. Together each snowflake makes mounds of white powder that can be turned into snow angels. Who would not love that? The days of childhood when your body, mind and spirit moved with ease. Cheers, Joy and Happiness all rolled up into one little package with a pretty bow.
I know I am just making little chit chat hear but in my new place of affairs I find it comforting to ramble on then to actually chat to a human. Friends, family, acquaintances, strangers are struggling these days to make sense of this world. It invokes angry at best and insanity at it’s worst. To add insult to injury you have no privacy these days cameras abound everywhere you go.
Outside my doctors office the other dayI noticed two men taking pictures. Not sure if they were pointed at me I covered my head with my jacket. In the moment I was in fear because I am embarrassed by my crippled state of affairs. I don’t often go out much these days. It scared me more that I was scared of a camera. Everywhere I go there are cameras and it is intrusive and nerve wracking. Every interaction we have can now be broadcast over the internet. Our mistakes, errors, boring movements, everyday activities can be judged by millions in an instant as far as a world away. It fills me with dread. What is a normal everyday person to do? Well this normal everyday person has decided to not watch any of those videos. I stay off facebook and only watch instructional videos or cute animal videos on youtube. We all make mistakes. We all are not perfect. To be in a place where one can be judge for the simplest thing is destroying our humanity. I remember the quote “To err is human, to forgive divine”. Where has our humanity gone?
I have the urge to say good morning. Not because it is actually morning but because I had a good morning. I am seeing things in a way which really helps my OCD. I never really knew I had OCD. I thought everyone thought like me. I thought everyone needed to check all the doors, windows, electrical outlets, water taps etc, everytime they left the house. When it really got worse was after spending 30 minutes to an hour doing that I would get halfway to work and have to turn back. I tried not to turn back but then I would finally give in, turn the car around and come home. I knew full well all was well but I couldn’t convince my brain that is was so I had to turn back. I had to call my boss and tell her/him I would be late that I left the iron on. I knew I most definitely hadn’t but I couldn’t breathe so I had to. I finally came up with a full proof way to circumvent my brain. I made a list with everything that would/could/or possibily had ever made me turn back. Then I would check it three times and check it off my list. In the beginning new stuff would come up and I would have to turn back and then I would add that to my list. It got to the point where my list consisted of two pages of items. It did the trick. Whenever I started to stress on my drive to work, I would glance down at my list and see that I had checked that item off. Weeks passed and my list became my constant companion. It has been years since I came up with that method and now I mostly leave the house with no checklist and not checking more than the front and back door. Sometimes I have to turn back but for the most part I can leave the house and be gone for the day without a thought. It’s a miracle right? Not so fast so now that those thoughts are gone I am working on a new set of thoughts. I think they were always there but they were clouded out by the other thoughts. These thoughts I think are more nomal. When things go awry like they sometimes can like the cable goes out, or a bill is calculated wrong, or my insurance loses a contract with my doctor I have to take an action. My thought is over the top a bit I think. I will stress about the negative outcome for days and stress over every phone call not returned. It feels like I am holding my breath. I can’t concentrate on anything else in my life because I feel like I have to fix this thing that is broken or wrong or askew. Even when I am some place quite lovely like today on my morning walk I keep thinking about back home the phone is ringing and it it my one chance to fix this thing that is broken. It’s not. I know logically it is not but that doesn’t stop the thoughts. I would go for therapy but my insurance only pays for counseling and what I need is cognitive behavior therapy. So I have started a new list. I make a list of actions I can take to solve whatever problem I have. I do the actions I can and when I start to stress about someone not calling me back I can look at the list and see that I left them a message this morning so I can chill. I am told from friends that have done cognitive behavior therapy that this is what there therapists do with them. I think since this has worked for me in the past, it will hopefully work again. Hopefully these thoughts aren’t blocking out other thoughts I have yet to discover. If they are I will deal with those too. In the meantime I have become a pretty good cognitive self-behaviorial therapist.
That is what it has finally come to, I don’t know and I don’t care. The people that I admire are those that make life seem effortless. To watch them you wouldn’t think that they had struggles but they do. They don’t complain or whine and before you know it whatever was going wrong seems to have turned right. Those are the people I aspire to be like but I have been caught in a web of The Secret. You know that book and movie that tells you to just think positive. It goes along with The Sedona Method, The Releasing thing and a few other worldly beings saying “Just get happy, think about happy, be in a state of happy and all things will go your way”. Of course I am over simplifying to keep this short. If you have studied any of these new age techniques, at some point someone has told you “if you are not getting what you want, you are not doing it right”. Now where have I heard that before? Ah, yes! When I fell for a pyramid ie multi-level marketing scheme that eventually ended up with me spending over $5000 on “free coaching” and making $500 over 3 years. The products did work I was in the best shape of my life physically but financially not so much. And when it all went horribly wrong, I was told “you need to work harder, you need to buy more, and do better” Basically as in all things that are too good to be true, it is always your fault. I agree it was my fault that I fell for it. It was my fault that I fell for the overblown promises and quick fixes. I have digressed, back to the point. The point of all this is that the people I admire most take action. Yep that’s it they don’t put their faith in overblown promises or sit around letting go and manifesting their future. They go out and do it. What I mean by that is they take action. If you want that red porsche, you need to go buy it not sit crosslegged and imagine it. If you don’t have the money for the porsche, you need to go out and get it. You could borrow it, or you could stop going to Starbucks for 10 years and save it and a few other possibilities may come to mind. I can guarantee you it will not fall out of the sky and into your lap. If anyone tells you otherwise they are drinking the koolaid and/or lying. What you must do is take an action. Any action will do even if it doesn’t get you that red porsche right away or even ever you will be more content working towards something then sitting on your butt thinking happy thoughts. Yesterday I took some action. I took all my books spirtiual, new age, one being centered and sold them at the local bookstore. Yeah, I took action, a little green in my pocket and room on my shelves. I don’t need any gurus to help me take action. I am a grown ass woman and I know how to take action. Next up, why I am now exploring agnoticism. Yep, there is no worldly almighty being running my life. I am a squirrel, more on that later.
I woke up one day and you were gone. Tears ran down my face and thoughts raced through my head. What would my day be without you. I thought of you as a friend but you were more than that. You were my confidant. The calming presence that saw me through every storm.
As I lay in bed tonight, thinking of our days together. The years that passed and evolved into decades, I realized you were the Dad I never had. You taught me to love again. I would be okay.
Thank you for all the I love you’s and the you look beautiful The time we danced in the moonlight. The time I laid my head on your shoulder. The winks, the smiles. The times you turned my tears into laughter and set me straight again. Without you my laughs would not have been so loud. Without you I would not have learned how to love myself. You loved me before I could love myself. You taught me to only except love and respect from others. I will miss you dear friend but I know you are in my heart forever.
I read an inspirational story tonight. The kind that you read and then get all these great ideas that you do nothing about. I don’t know if this will be the night I finally get back to doing what it is I have been saying I want to do for the last 20 years, but then again maybe it will .
I used to write. In fact when I was in grade school all the way through and past college you couldn’t get me to stop reading or writing. I carried my journal everywhere and wrote down every boring detail of my meager existence. Well except for the insights that really would have mattered.
Okay maybe it wouldn’t have mattered all that much. The truth is that with all that writing I never saw the pattern. The repeating pattern of denial that I needed approval so badly that any type of criticism made it impossible for me to do anything.
Sure my parents said what all parents say “You can do whatever you want in life, just be happy”. Well the problem with that is that what I needed to be happy was approval and I was willing to forego my own dreams to get it including my self esteem.
Not to blame anyone but myself but I seem to have been repeating that same pattern throughout my life. Putting people in my life that will knock down any idea I have with a string of negativity.
I think this all started with ballet class. I loved dance class, especially tap. When the doctors told my mom that I couldn’t go on to toe shoes. Well that was the end of that. I was out of the class. It got replaced with nothing. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t do toe. There was no arguing or fighting or trying to get the teacher to just let me take tap. I was just thrown out in the cold. It didn’t matter that I loved dance or that dance would be good for me. The few attempts at trying to get me interested in guitar or piano failed.
When you have a sister who has been playing piano since she was 3 or 4 and is amazing, that is just too much pressure for any child. So there I was a child with a journal and not much more.
For the rest of my life, every time I had an idea of what I might want to do someone was there to shoot it down. Whether a teacher, a parent, a cousin, or anyone else and lately friends, I am lost in a world of negativity.
No one ever taught me to fight for what I needed. I didn’t think I had to. I thought that if those who loved me thought there was something wrong with what I wanted ie learning to play drums, be a cheerleader, learning french, going to law school and ad infinitum then they were right. I was wrong and I just gave up.
So where does that leave me now..
Tonight I read that story of a writer who wrote stories because she couldn’t talk and I thought eeks.. I could talk a blue streak and yet I couldn’t write my stories. Why? I know why because of never having to fight for anything because I was shot before the gun was even loaded.
Okay so my parents never fought for me. They ignored me not because it was me but as my mom once said “you never seem to need anyone” and “your brother and sister need me more”. So when you are ten and you hear that you think “ouch, okay I will never need anything from anyone”. But you do need. You need like hell but you hide . No one wants to get hurt twice.
By the time my parents realized that I might need something it was too late. I had stopped listening except for criticism, except for the “you can’t do that”. I became skilled at finding others who could squash my dreams, my thoughts, my aspirations.
The only reason I became an accountant was by accident. I didn’t plan it so I didn’t ask for help which meant it just happened. I had no one to tell me how boring it was or how difficult or how stupid it was. I just did it.
So tonight when I said to a friend that I was going to take a free coding class at the library, I learned a valuable lesson. It is best not to talk about what you are going to do but just to do it. It would be nice if people were positive like me. If the people I know would say things like “that a girl, you go for it” but that is not my life.
I believe if I said to someone tonight, anyone in my life that I wanted to be an accountant ( assuming they didn’t know I already am one) they would try to talk me out of it.
Dreams are like little precious bubbles floating around in the air, some people smile as they dance about and others, even if they are not their bubbles, just have to pop them.
So to everyone out there that has every squashed anyone’s dream or popped anyone else’s bubble, go pop your own freakin’ bubbles.