The Teacher

I woke up one day and you were gone.  Tears ran down my face and thoughts raced through my head.  What would my day be without you.  I thought of you as a friend but you were more than that.  You were my confidant.  The calming presence that saw me through every storm.

As I lay in bed tonight, thinking of our days together.  The years that passed and evolved into decades,  I realized you were the Dad I never had.  You taught me to love again.  I would be okay.

Thank you for all the I love you’s and the you look beautiful  The time we danced in the moonlight. The time I laid my head on your shoulder.  The winks, the smiles.  The times you turned my tears into laughter and set me straight again. Without you my laughs would not have been so loud.  Without you I would not have learned how to love myself.  You loved me before I could love myself.  You taught me to only except love and respect from others. I will miss you dear friend but I know you are in my heart forever.

 

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Don’t pop my bubble. Go pop your own bubbles.

I read an inspirational story tonight.  The kind that you read and then get all these great ideas that you do nothing about.  I don’t know if this will be the night I finally get back to doing what it is I have been saying I want to do for the last 20 years, but then again maybe it will .

I used to write.  In fact when I was in grade school all the way through and past college you couldn’t get me to stop reading or writing.  I carried my journal everywhere and wrote down every boring detail of my meager existence.  Well except for the insights that really would have mattered.

Okay maybe it wouldn’t have mattered all that much.  The truth is that with all that writing I never saw the pattern.  The repeating pattern of denial that I needed approval so badly that any type of criticism made it impossible for me to do anything.

Sure my parents said what all parents say “You can do whatever you want in life, just be happy”. Well the problem with that is that what I needed to be happy was approval and I was willing to forego my own dreams to get it including my self esteem.

Not to blame anyone but myself but I seem to have been repeating that same pattern throughout my life.  Putting people in my life that will knock down any idea I have with a string of negativity.

I think this all started with ballet class.  I loved dance class, especially tap.  When the doctors told my mom that I couldn’t go on to toe shoes.  Well that was the end of that. I was out of the class.  It got replaced with nothing.  It didn’t matter that I couldn’t do toe.  There was no arguing or fighting or trying to  get the teacher to just let me take tap.  I was just thrown out in the cold.  It didn’t matter that I loved dance or that dance would be good for me.  The few attempts at trying to get me interested in guitar or piano failed.

When you have a sister who has been playing piano since she was 3 or 4 and is amazing, that is just too much pressure for any child. So there I was a child with a journal and not much more.

For the rest of my life, every time I had an idea of what I might want to do someone was there to shoot it down.  Whether a teacher, a parent, a cousin, or anyone else and lately friends, I am lost in a world of negativity.

No one ever taught me to fight for what I needed.  I didn’t think I had to.  I thought that if those who loved me thought there was something wrong with what I wanted ie learning to play drums, be a cheerleader, learning french, going to law school and ad infinitum then they were right.  I was wrong and I just gave up.

So where does that leave me now..

Tonight I read that story of a writer who wrote stories because she couldn’t talk and I thought eeks.. I could talk a blue streak and yet I couldn’t write my stories.  Why? I know why because of never having to fight for anything because I was shot before the gun was even loaded.

Okay so my parents never fought for me.  They ignored me not because it was me but as my mom once said “you never seem to need anyone” and “your brother and sister need me more”.  So when you are ten and you hear that you think “ouch, okay I will never need anything from anyone”. But you do need.  You need like hell but you hide . No one wants to get hurt twice.

By the time my parents realized that I might need something it was too late.  I had stopped listening except for criticism, except for the “you can’t do that”. I became skilled at finding others who could squash my dreams, my thoughts, my aspirations.

The only reason I became an accountant was by accident.  I didn’t plan it so I didn’t ask for help which meant it just happened. I had no one to tell me how boring it was or how difficult or how stupid it was.  I just did it.

So tonight when I said to a friend that I was going to take a free coding class at the library, I learned a valuable lesson.  It is best not to talk about what you are going to do but just to do it. It would be nice if people were positive like me.  If the people I know would say things like “that a girl, you go for it” but that is not my life.

I believe if I said to someone tonight, anyone in my life that I wanted to be an accountant ( assuming they didn’t know I already am one) they would try to talk me out of it.

Dreams are like little precious  bubbles floating around in the air, some people smile as they dance about and others, even if they are not their bubbles, just have to pop them.

So to everyone out there that has every squashed anyone’s dream or popped anyone else’s bubble, go pop your own freakin’ bubbles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daily Prompt: Waiting

via Daily Prompt: Waiting

It doesn’t take much to annoy me, especially before I have had my morning coffee.  I gave

up coffee for a while but then the doctor told me that coffee is good for my brain health.  Since my brain and my neck muscles have been having a bad relationship for 7 years, I thought “ok let’s go back to drinking coffee”.  It is now after 5 am and I am waiting for that first cup of coffee.  I had to wait 40 minutes for my computer to finish it’s morning updates like that wasn’t annoying enough.  Everyday it seems something on my computer needs an update.  I don’t remember my mac needing so many updates.  First day back to work I am buying myself an new mac and ditching the MS Word nightmare. I didn’t even  upgrade to Windows 10 because my HP kept saying I had to do some HP update first.  I spent hours watching my computer try to update and after 3 days gave up.  Here I am besides waiting after 7 years of hell to get back to work, to get back to working out, to get back to hiking, biking, running, jumping, playing, laughing and living, I am still waiting. Watching the world live, while I stretch, take pills, eat a special healing diet, meditate, pray, try to make new friends, meet new men, build a new life.  Everyday I look for work, full-time, part-time, anytime, something to make me feel useful again, to be a part of life again. I look for work, but I don’t truly believe that anyone will see past my twitching neck.  Yes, it is painful but the look on people’s faces is even more painful. It makes the pain more unbearable as I try to force my neck from twitching so they won’t notice, so they won’t mention it.  This twitching does not affect my intellect.  I am still a bright intellect woman. I am waiting for the moment when I again will be contributing to the world. Sometimes I wonder how many others are there out there hiding from the world that they so desperately want to be a part of.  When you have your health you have everything, when you don’t ….

It is over a year since my last post. Pathetic, I know.

I have been an artist masquerading as a regular office worker most of my life. I dreamt of the day I could give up my job which I have heard said means “just over broke” for my passion.  I wanted free time to sit and write and draw and paint. Finally, laid off my job (bastards) but too ill to work. Now I had the time but not the strength to do what I loved. All I could do was fight for my life and dream.  What life was I fighting for?  My old life, the life where I went to work everyday dreading those hours dreaming of time at home painting or writing or was there a possibility of a new and different life.  How would I get that new life when I could barely move?  Pain was my new worst enemy and only friend.

I have been on a wild journey this past year.  Actually, it is the same journey I have been on for six years.  Each new therapy, drug, homeopathic remedy, physical regimen an unfulfilled promise to end my misery and release me from my frozen deformed body.  Each one failed in the end.  I would feel better at the time.  Hope was renewed. My purse was shrinking as my heart was broken, again.

Each year that passes, I try to give up but I wasn’t made that way.  Like a fool I keep trying. Here I sit again on the precipice of a new cure that I am sure will heal me. This time though my body is responding with a resounding yes which is why in this moment I can type on the computer for this short time. Alas, I am tired but I will be back very soon.  I promise.

A life worth Living

I was laid off my job three months ago .  I  have been fighting a disease called cervical dystonia for almost 6 years.  Now I am fighting for my life.   6years ago I was working out, studying to be a fitness trainer and working on being the best me I could be.  I am an accountant by trade but I knew that sitting at a desk all day in a climate controlled environment was killing me.  During what was supposed to be a new transformation, I was struck by dystonia.  It was a slow progression and a long road to receiving a diagnosis.  The diagnosis usually leads to a way to heal not with dystonia.   Dystonia is like it sounds the name of some small country we’ve never heard of until someone  invades it.   Remember Chad from the eighties.  Yep that’s about it.  The last few days I realized I can either live or die but being in this state of limbo is not going to make the  rest of my life a happy one.  I woke up this morning and decided it is time to make my way out of this hell that is my life and create a new one.