I read an inspirational story tonight. The kind that you read and then get all these great ideas that you do nothing about. I don’t know if this will be the night I finally get back to doing what it is I have been saying I want to do for the last 20 years, but then again maybe it will .
I used to write. In fact when I was in grade school all the way through and past college you couldn’t get me to stop reading or writing. I carried my journal everywhere and wrote down every boring detail of my meager existence. Well except for the insights that really would have mattered.
Okay maybe it wouldn’t have mattered all that much. The truth is that with all that writing I never saw the pattern. The repeating pattern of denial that I needed approval so badly that any type of criticism made it impossible for me to do anything.
Sure my parents said what all parents say “You can do whatever you want in life, just be happy”. Well the problem with that is that what I needed to be happy was approval and I was willing to forego my own dreams to get it including my self esteem.
Not to blame anyone but myself but I seem to have been repeating that same pattern throughout my life. Putting people in my life that will knock down any idea I have with a string of negativity.
I think this all started with ballet class. I loved dance class, especially tap. When the doctors told my mom that I couldn’t go on to toe shoes. Well that was the end of that. I was out of the class. It got replaced with nothing. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t do toe. There was no arguing or fighting or trying to get the teacher to just let me take tap. I was just thrown out in the cold. It didn’t matter that I loved dance or that dance would be good for me. The few attempts at trying to get me interested in guitar or piano failed.
When you have a sister who has been playing piano since she was 3 or 4 and is amazing, that is just too much pressure for any child. So there I was a child with a journal and not much more.
For the rest of my life, every time I had an idea of what I might want to do someone was there to shoot it down. Whether a teacher, a parent, a cousin, or anyone else and lately friends, I am lost in a world of negativity.
No one ever taught me to fight for what I needed. I didn’t think I had to. I thought that if those who loved me thought there was something wrong with what I wanted ie learning to play drums, be a cheerleader, learning french, going to law school and ad infinitum then they were right. I was wrong and I just gave up.
So where does that leave me now..
Tonight I read that story of a writer who wrote stories because she couldn’t talk and I thought eeks.. I could talk a blue streak and yet I couldn’t write my stories. Why? I know why because of never having to fight for anything because I was shot before the gun was even loaded.
Okay so my parents never fought for me. They ignored me not because it was me but as my mom once said “you never seem to need anyone” and “your brother and sister need me more”. So when you are ten and you hear that you think “ouch, okay I will never need anything from anyone”. But you do need. You need like hell but you hide . No one wants to get hurt twice.
By the time my parents realized that I might need something it was too late. I had stopped listening except for criticism, except for the “you can’t do that”. I became skilled at finding others who could squash my dreams, my thoughts, my aspirations.
The only reason I became an accountant was by accident. I didn’t plan it so I didn’t ask for help which meant it just happened. I had no one to tell me how boring it was or how difficult or how stupid it was. I just did it.
So tonight when I said to a friend that I was going to take a free coding class at the library, I learned a valuable lesson. It is best not to talk about what you are going to do but just to do it. It would be nice if people were positive like me. If the people I know would say things like “that a girl, you go for it” but that is not my life.
I believe if I said to someone tonight, anyone in my life that I wanted to be an accountant ( assuming they didn’t know I already am one) they would try to talk me out of it.
Dreams are like little precious bubbles floating around in the air, some people smile as they dance about and others, even if they are not their bubbles, just have to pop them.
So to everyone out there that has every squashed anyone’s dream or popped anyone else’s bubble, go pop your own freakin’ bubbles.